Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize