Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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