i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
