So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
