dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
