Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
