If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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