the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
