I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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