Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
