No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
