I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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