found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
