Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
