there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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