allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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