Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
