Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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