jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
