I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
