Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
