You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
