she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
