This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
