I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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