Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
