Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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