My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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