I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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