I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize