loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
