fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize