just come out here and I will go home with you...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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