I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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