So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
