It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
