you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
