I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
