i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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