In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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