HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
