I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
