well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
