cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
