who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
