My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
