I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
