someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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