i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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