My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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