We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
