we made out on top of his cat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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