Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
