Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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