Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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