He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
