You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You ruined the universe
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
