I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
