Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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